Feeling blessed

As I think about the fellow colleagues who are going to school with me, going to face the uphill climb together.

Feeling really really blessed.

Mobile blogging, again.

Currently seated in lecture hall, words flowing in and out of words. I’ve barely learnt anything through these 3 days because they are really dry, and uninspiring. They even banned us from using laptops today! Shrugs.

However, something good has come out from the sessions. It has properly set me down to think about how I want my career to pan out. Do I want my entire life to be spent in education, or will I want to try my hands at something else; or do I still want to pursue my childhood dreams and attempt to do something else from scratch and this is just bidding my time.

A very key question: do I still have the passion for what I’m about to do? I ponder.

For once in my life, I want to study something that I’m truly keen on and interested in. I think I broke out of the restrictive box the day I threw down my resignation letter at my first employer. I want to live my life with something that I’m passionate for, but I’m still seeking that very thing that I’m truly passionate about.

Truth be told, I still have no idea what I’m truly passionate about. That’s the issue I’ve been struggling with for the last few weeks and swc09 took my mind off it for abit, but it’s back to haunt me with a veangeance.

I’m comfortable with teaching because it’s familar and I think I can do a good job of it. Is it something I can toil at for my next 10 years and be happy in it throughout, I’m not sure.

Friends and colleagues have said some things to me that my mind is still processing, and I’m going to continue to mull on it. In the meantime, don’t worry about me, this is just my personal mission to find myself and what I should live my life for. I’m envious of friends who knew exactly what they wanted out of work and life right from the beginning of adulthood; but it doesn’t mean that I can’t get there too. I’ll reach there someday, I just need a little more time.

I don’t want to go to work simply because I need to work and I’m comfortable with it.

如果再回到從前 – 張鎬哲

如果再回到从前 所有一切重演
我是否会明白生活重点
不怕措折打击 没有空虚埋怨
让我看得更远
如果再回到从前 还是与你相恋
你是否会在乎永不永远
还是热恋以后 简短说声再见
给我一点空间
我不再轻许诺言
不再为谁而把自己改变
历经生活试验 爱情措折难免
我依然期待明天
如果再回到从前 还是与你相恋
你是否会在乎永不永远
还是热恋以后 简短说声再见
给我一点空间
我不再轻许诺言
不再为谁而把自己改变
历经生活试验 爱情措折难免
我依然期待明天
如果再回到从前 所有一切重演
我是否会明白生活重点
不怕措折打击 没有空虚埋怨
让我看得更远
如果再回到从前 还是与你相恋
你是否会在乎永不永远
还是热恋以后 简短说声再见
给我一点空间

XXXXXX

這首歌，應該還蠻耳熟能詳。看著百萬大歌星，聽到了這首老歌，感觸良多。尤其是它的A段的第一部分，更是讓人感慨。

若我再回到從前，會明白生活重點嗎？

Practicum

I’m freaking scared.

Inspiring morning.

and off to Tioman in a few hours.

Just finished packing for Tioman, and I’ve done the near impossible – to squeeze everything into a basic backpack, because the boyfriend says that he will not have any spare arms to carry my overpacked luggage, hence the backpack advice, which I obediently followed. Minimal packing, despite knowing that I’ll be spending the bulk of tomorrow on the dive boat rocking till the cows come home (as per ST).

And I suddenly realised that my self motivation is really low, this morning. I think this stark realisation dawned on me during the brief conversation ST and I had this morning, after the audit at Pioneer this morning (thankfully, my accounts were in order, it was those that I was not doing, that was slightly messy). I don’t have answers to questions that I ask myself, once in a blue moon when I think and ponder upon the intricacies of life. But I do know, I don’t need to have answers for everything, and some answers will come by themselves in the time to come.

I’m not doing much for myself too – I realised. The aims for myself, for improving myself somehow fell through the cracks on my list of things to do. I’m contented to live life like this, day by day, watching tv and reading when I have spare time – as compared to people who might know what they want to do with their lives and improve themselves. Even if I want to improve myself, what do I exactly want to do? Again, another question that I cannot answer to self.

On that note, I envy ST. Right from the get-go, he knew what he wanted to do (somehow) and he was willing to take the risk and do something that he would like to do, hence he has the self motivation when he goes to work. We talked about a fellow acquaintance of ours, and we were analysing what was her motivation in her current job. Then, what is my motivation in my current job/career to be?

What have I really wanted to do, but never had the courage to pursue – that I can answer for myself, but too ashamed to talk about it on virtual world. It’s really sad, isn’t it. It’s going to be a what-if that I will probably think about, for the rest of my life if I choose not to do anything about it. I’ve talked to a few people about it, probably Roo and Tok last year, and Ling this year, when we went for our dicewalk two weeks back.

I’ll continue to think about it, and hopefully act on it eventually, like I told Ling about it. She was very encouraging about it, as compared to some naysayers that I’ve met along my life.

Having said that, I really felt so blessed this morning after the morning (very odd ice blended tea) conversation with ST, that I have such a wonderful role model in him that I can take lessons from, and reflect upon. There are many other positive influences in different people in my life that I should and can learn from, and I shall do right that. A small step at a time and positive thinking will lead me somewhere, despite being on the path with many questions in mind and no answers.

Feeling extremely blessed and enlightened this morning. (:

Critical Weekend.

It’s do or die. Never had I thought I would fear weekends. I’m so snowed under work, it’s incredibly insane. After this weekend, I swear I will be entirely sick of lesson plans and Powerpoint.

Am feeling, just so tired.

When I got home from school at 1730, all I wanted to do was to sleep. But I know I cannot sleep. The snowpile of work has to be cleared. It has to be.

Breathe in breathe out.

Am trying my damnest best to think of what the cat said before he left for Shanghai. To think about the eggs, however done, the rainbows, the meadows, the butterflies, the bunnies and my sunflower fields.

I want to whine, so bad. I want to cry, so bad, but I don’t think there are tears left within me. The eyes just feel sore, tired.

I miss all my girlfriends and the cat so bad.

Am feeling so emotional, so drained, and so tired on a Friday evening. Fearing the wake of dawn for tomorrow and the day after – what if the brain just chooses to break down and not function anymore?

Who can I lean on?

Open-mindedness.

Was reading today’s Lifestyle and having my breakfast when I stumbled upon this particular article on American Idol (ooh hell yea!) and open-mindedness.

In short, Fiona Chan (the columnist) was talking about her initial hate for American Idol, and one of her friends “accused her of being an Idol bigot”. He had said that she thought she was so openminded, but she wasn’t willing to try new things to change her ideas on anything. To that, she continued to talk about her new found love for American Idol and all other reality shows (hell yea!), and the subsequent links to the AWARE saga and her new found enlightment.

She ended off with this statement – “taking an interest in something you habitually disregard as unimportant could well lead to meaningful discoveries – and true open-mindedness”.

I liked her article, alot.

It reflects very critically of how people pass judgements without trying things out before, and self claim that they are being very liberal and openminded. In some ways, I’m guilty as charged. I can think of the times I refused to go to a restaurant because I heard that it wasn’t fantastic and I didn’t want to waste my money on eating something that is not fantastic. Who am I to say that they are not good if I haven’t tried them before?

Same goes to all the reality tv show haters out there, who are you to judge and say that programs like American Idol and Survivor is all but a bunch of bullshit and nothing real in it? You can say that you don’t like it because it is not your cup of tea but you cannot diss the show by saying that it is not real. It is literally real, because it is a game show, the only probable unreal facts would only surface if you choose to take the tv show at superficial glances, without attempting to read into the tv editting and infer from the show footages. Nobody is asking you to understand the show literally.

But I digress.

I liked the way she talked about the AWARE saga, how in the past she would have just stuck with supporting the old guard and dissing the new guard. Now, she wrote that she had really thought through each group’s position and did not make snap judgements based on their religious affliations. I like that – if only there was a “Like” button on the papers like how it is on Facebook. Honestly, I feel that this AWARE saga has done us some good, not all but some. It made people stand up for their own rights and ideals (as opposed to “shut down and sit down”) and want to do right for our society by voting in the guard that they believe in.

However.

There has got to be a “however” somewhere. However, there are also plenty of people who are not quite sure of the happenings and jump into the chaotic mess and insist they have a very clear idea of what is happening (based on the very skewed reporting in the papers and media, and plentiful rumours flying around on the Internet), thus they make their judgements from there. Is this really the kind of citizens we want, those who make uninformed (or ill-informed) decisions OR they simply go with the flow and support the old guard simply because the new guard appeared to be behaving outrageously? I am quite sure there were many of them out there, who haven’t thought through the actions of the new guard, and why they have chose to do things their way. Some might say that the evidence is overwhelmingly against the new guard, or that actions speak louder than words, but have you truly put yourselves in their shoes?

As I sit down and process my thoughts for this piece of writing, I came to realise that I actually admire the new guard for standing against the crusade to bring them down, and hold strongly to their ideals and what they stand for. I will not want to go into the actions of what they did because I do not have a clear understanding of the exact happenings, and honestly, nobody would unless you are one of them, or part of the old guard, or have been a member since a long time ago (and not a sudden member simply because you want to vote).

The voices for the old guard were strong yesterday, but in order to withstand the ordeal of dealing with the people and the media for the past 3 weeks, the new guard must be firmly standing up for their own ideals as well. Perhaps, there are other reasons as to why they are standing so strong for their ideals, but that strength of theirs deserve to be admired as well.

Again, I digress.

Being open-minded is not an easy thing to do, and the term is very often overused. There are so many extreme views out there, but have you really thought through both positions before taking a stand, or are you just blindly taking a stand because you feel strongly for it.

Are you truly being open-minded?

Sunflowerfield.

Was looking through old blogs, and stumbled upon this, that ST left on my blog a while back.

Don’t think that no one loved you,
because they’ve turned away.
Don’t feel they didn’t care for you,
because they couldn’t stay.
Don’t damn the world for not returning
the love you feel you’ve given.
Don’t hate the one that you were yearning for,
because he couldn’t make a commitment.
Just think of him as experience,
and think how much you’ve grown.
Think of your plans of now and forever,
and hold them in your heart.
And remember that you do have friends
Who will walk the mile with you.

Through thick and thin.

-adapted from unknown source.

Meaningful.

HOT Skills activity

When I was doing this particular assignment, it felt like a 難產的小孩. The amount of tears and effort and pages of books that I flipped over the past few days have been phenomenal, and plenty. It felt like doomsday all over again. Bucketful of tears fell, nonstop. 

Now I’m thankful to say, I’m almost done. 95% done in fact. 

I just need to relook at it when my mind is fresh and sharp in thinking, for the final edits. My brain is so drained now, I skipped out on tennis tonight just to try and complete this assignment. 

I’m going to be really cheesy and say that Roo and BX gave me the strength to plough through this assignment. When I told them I had a lot of problems doing accounting assignments, never once did they roll their eyes to the ludicrious idea despite me having an accounting degree (which counts for peanuts seriously). I’m sure they didn’t quite understand how I truly felt, but they didn’t shoot me down. Roo wanted to be an automated vending machine that dishes out chocolates when tears fell, and BX was there in physical form to be my stable rock. 

Thank you thank you. 

One down, many more to go. I will be able to get through all these, I will. I have to. 

Am glad

for alot of things.

for now this year has been turning out so far, despite the insane amount of work.

for how I’ve had the experience of managing classroom situations and find that there are many other people in the same sinking boat. (kidding)

for your presence in my life, I love you Darling.

for your presence in my life, my dearest friends.

for now-over tiresome Monday and Tuesday this week – Edpsych submitted, QLK over and QCE individidual presentation over.

for how my QCE tutor loved my presentation today, and sent me an email to acknowledge my efforts.

for how a long lost friend responded positively to a hesistant suggestion to catch up. I do miss her.

for everything that has happened so far.

Feeling very thankful today. (: