Inspiring morning.

and off to Tioman in a few hours.

Just finished packing for Tioman, and I’ve done the near impossible – to squeeze everything into a basic backpack, because the boyfriend says that he will not have any spare arms to carry my overpacked luggage, hence the backpack advice, which I obediently followed. Minimal packing, despite knowing that I’ll be spending the bulk of tomorrow on the dive boat rocking till the cows come home (as per ST).

And I suddenly realised that my self motivation is really low, this morning. I think this stark realisation dawned on me during the brief conversation ST and I had this morning, after the audit at Pioneer this morning (thankfully, my accounts were in order, it was those that I was not doing, that was slightly messy). I don’t have answers to questions that I ask myself, once in a blue moon when I think and ponder upon the intricacies of life. But I do know, I don’t need to have answers for everything, and some answers will come by themselves in the time to come.

I’m not doing much for myself too – I realised. The aims for myself, for improving myself somehow fell through the cracks on my list of things to do. I’m contented to live life like this, day by day, watching tv and reading when I have spare time – as compared to people who might know what they want to do with their lives and improve themselves. Even if I want to improve myself, what do I exactly want to do? Again, another question that I cannot answer to self.

On that note, I envy ST. Right from the get-go, he knew what he wanted to do (somehow) and he was willing to take the risk and do something that he would like to do, hence he has the self motivation when he goes to work. We talked about a fellow acquaintance of ours, and we were analysing what was her motivation in her current job. Then, what is my motivation in my current job/career to be?

What have I really wanted to do, but never had the courage to pursue – that I can answer for myself, but too ashamed to talk about it on virtual world. It’s really sad, isn’t it. It’s going to be a what-if that I will probably think about, for the rest of my life if I choose not to do anything about it. I’ve talked to a few people about it, probably Roo and Tok last year, and Ling this year, when we went for our dicewalk two weeks back.

I’ll continue to think about it, and hopefully act on it eventually, like I told Ling about it. She was very encouraging about it, as compared to some naysayers that I’ve met along my life.

Having said that, I really felt so blessed this morning after the morning (very odd ice blended tea) conversation with ST, that I have such a wonderful role model in him that I can take lessons from, and reflect upon. There are many other positive influences in different people in my life that I should and can learn from, and I shall do right that. A small step at a time and positive thinking will lead me somewhere, despite being on the path with many questions in mind and no answers.

Feeling extremely blessed and enlightened this morning. (:


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