I thought I knew what I wanted, but perhaps I don’t.
I’m thoroughly confused. I don’t like to feel this way, and I don’t want to feel this way. It’s very draining when insane thoughts flit through your head and you wonder why you feel so strongly about certain things.
Sitting at a Starbucks alone for an extended period of time (while doing small admin work), waiting for the next invigilation slot in the afternoon, can be therapeutic. Soothes the frantic nerves, slows down the overclocked brain.
Barely slept last night, need the sleep desperately but there’s still 2 hours to my next invigilation. Contemplating on eating places for lunch, am torn between portion size, type of food and cost. For once I’m considering things that I usually don’t, and it pains me. It makes me think about the things I’m not sure about, things that I thought I could have, but I actually don’t have.
It’s painful, and tiring. I wish I didn’t have to, but I have to.
Then I wonder, if I’m in such a situation, how about the others? How did the others ever manage? How does everyone manage? Perhaps it’s just me.
I know it’s been a while since I’ve been this cryptic – but it doesn’t really matter anymore here – since I do know that there’s barely any readership here anymore. It’s just an outlet for me to write, and I need to get it out, madly. Roo probably knows what I’m talking about, because we just talked about yesterday when I met her. Which was a very good meet up, just to chat and get away from work – which is something we both should do, since the year is winding down anyway.
Maybe, it’s just time to grow up and some dreams just have to give way to reality.