Confused.

I am very free on Friday. Yes this Friday. I end school at 12:30pm and I’m determined to leave school by 1pm, especially when it’s not my remedial week.

Here’s the confusing bit.

When I say “I am very free” – I mean I have absolutely nothing on. The boy is away on reservist and he is not available till Saturday afternoon. So my Friday afternoon, evening and night is FREE – like a bird. On one hand, I have the urge to call a friend, go out and paint the town red (in my own very lazy way) – but I don’t know who to call. On the other hand, the temptation to just go home and sleep the day away is there, largely.

I feel a little sad that I don’t know who to call up and say, “Hey Friday night dinner & drinks?” Along the way as I grew older, I just drifted away from people in general. The main reason why I’ve been feeling so hesitant about calling friends out – I haven’t felt social in a very long time. I feel awkward in social situations nowadays, except for Ling and Shu whom I see on a rather regular basis. We just had brunch at Symmetry just two weeks back, to celebrate Ling’s birthday and the food was amazing! And we’re meeting to cook next Monday evening at Shu’s place (it helps that she stays one street away from me).

I feel like there’s this unexplainable wall of communication, that I worry the chitchatting will run dry after an hour and we’ll sit there awkwardly wondering what else to talk about, aside from recent events that happened to both parties. It has happened during the school holidays before when I know I should call friends out to go out, walk, chitchat and catch up. Then I consider the possible awkward scenarios and I talk myself out of meeting up with friends. In the end, I either stay at home with a good book and read, or go out myself with my camera and wander about for a few hours before I go home.

It almost feels like I’d rather be alone, than to be out with friends. I think I over think the situation. It’s probably not half bad as what I envision it to be, but I’ll mull over the days when we used to be so much closer. Some days, I wonder all my friends went. Of course, I blame myself for neglecting the friends due to work, and spending more time with the boy. Of course, it’s not as if I can rewind time and change things, but I feel hesitant taking the first move. I worry.

And so I worry. And I continue to worry until the very day, where I’ll probably just decide to 1. stay in with my book and talk to the boy over the phone, 2. go out myself, hit my usual favourite spots (cue Kino, Esplanade and the likes) and go home thereafter.

I really don’t know what I would like to do this Friday, and I am extremely confused.

Sigh.

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