It’s May.

Yeaps 4 full months have passed by and one more month left before the June holidays come and go in a flash, yet again.

Think I might be working right up to my London trip. Before I leave on 7 June, I am already down for a conference from 3 – 5 June, very possibly a Netball camp on 6 – 7 June and  I’ve got a morning course at Malan Road on 7 June itself. I’m pretty sure I’ll fall right asleep when we board the plane at 9pm at night.

Of course when I come back from the trip, the last week of June is packed with remedials with my graduating classes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. School starts right after that, with my event opening Term 3. Having said all that, I shouldn’t worry too much since the school doesn’t worry that much. Should I?

On good days (when I tell myself to not give a shit about anything), I think to myself that I just might hang in here, because I have a lot of free time on my hands (because I don’t give a shit about anything). On bad days, I lament the lack of growth and structure, I lament the company and the fact that I feel terribly lonely there.

I think I really don’t know what I want.

Next year is going to be a crazy hectic year with the incoming new place and the wedding. Do I want to complicate matters more by starting afresh somewhere, provided I can find that new place? I haven’t quite made up my mind yet.

Heck, I haven’t even fully made up my mind about where I want to go in London (the specifics) and I am thinking about next year, which I know I should be doing.

It’s nice to be able to come home on a Friday afternoon, grab lunch along the way and go home to eat, while watching some quality Survivor episodes. The show has picked up its pace post-merge, with everybody coming out to play. Watching Andrea’s face go “whaa-tt??” in this week’s episode was epic. I rewatched it several times. Of course, the episode where Malcolm threw out not one, not two but three hidden immunity idols made that episode one of the best episodes ever in the history of Survivor – I rewatched that too.

Now I’m seated in bed with my very awesome laptop blogging my evening away, contemplating the future. I can’t see what the future holds.

I do know one thing – I really quite like teaching. I can’t say I love teaching right now because the situation has made me rethink and reflect and doubt myself one too many times. However, one recent post from an ex-student made me realise that I have been doing this for a damn long time. On one hand, I worry that it’s the only thing I know how to do (technically I think so) and if I were to consider switching industries, I worry that I’ll have a tough time adapting. On the other hand, there’s that inner craving on wanting to try something completely different, before the interest in teaching completely fades away because of the situation. The inner gut feel that keeps telling me – if I don’t switch now and try something new, will I ever move out of the comfort zone?

I moved out of my comfort zone and landed in a piping hot mess. I could try and get used to the piping hot mess and make it slightly comfortable, or move again to find that place I’ve been thinking of, or dreaming about.

I am not sure what I should do. I am not sure what I could do.

Continues to contemplate too much for the month of May where my marking will only come in 12 days later. In the meantime, I’ll attempt to find something to do.


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