double yew tee eff

Had a bad day in school – spent the day wondering why I’ve been this aimless and why I’ve been wasting my time in this place for this whole year. No purpose, no aim.

When I finally left school, I thought – I need a drink.

So I went to the Starbucks within walking distance, and ordered myself an iced coffee. The weather has been too hot.

While I was waiting, a colleague excitedly texted the group saying, “Meeting for XXX day now! at XXXXX location!”

double yew tee eff.

I had left school already and I really didn’t remember any prior information about said meeting. I ignored the text, got my drink and got onto the bus. Checked my phone again. Saw a missed call from a colleague. Decided to call the colleague back and told her I was unable to make the meeting because I’ve already left school. Then I asked her if any prior notification was given. She mentioned an email from someone else. So I thought I must’ve missed the email and apologised profusely.

I checked my email after the phonecall, wondering how on earth could I have missed such an email (I usually don’t miss such emails). I couldn’t find any.

I couldn’t find any emails about meetings happening on 3 October. None, nada, zilch.

Thanks for making my day a lot worse. Thanks for making my day suck even more. Thanks for making me feel guilty about missing a non-existent email.

double yew tee eff double yew tee eff.

 

Truly distraught.

Today was one of those horrible school days.

The kind where you wished you were anywhere but in this environment. The kind where you wished you never ever ever moved.

Today was supposed to be the last teaching day for the non-graduating classes. I should feel a sense of relief on this day, and I usually do. I didn’t feel that today. It always felt like my engine never started for the year. It felt like I’ve been leading a soul-less life for the whole year.

I was very troubled by some of the things my colleagues were doing today. In my own mind, I was thinking, “How bloody lazy can you get?” Yet I’ve learnt my lesson from the earlier part of the year, I’ve been burnt and since I have told the school that I’m not leaving as yet, I’ve also learnt to keep my mouth shut.

I didn’t realise how much I have been looking for straws to clutch on, until this afternoon when a miscommunication occurred between a friend and I. He texted asking if he could pick up some stuff we ordered together for the Leaguers. Without hesitation I agreed gleefully and rushed home to ensure that he could come by to pick it up. Through all that texting, I thought he wanted to pick it up today, when he actually meant tomorrow and he didn’t make it clear as well.

Imagine my disappointment when he called and clarified that it was for tomorrow.

No wonder I had that strange nagging feeling when he kept saying that he could come by because conduct grade meeting for him would start only at 4plus and he could afford time to come over from the north. I vaguely remembered conduct grade meetings were always held on Thursdays. Now we know why.

Throughout today, I was so looking forward to meeting with him, even if it meant it was only for a very short while. I needed him to help cheer up my day because it had just been so horrible. I thought I could push such days to the back of my mind, I thought I could make it go away by itself. It’s just hiding far back, waiting to surface at the wrong moments.

I fear such days would continue to pile quietly and one day everything would erupt again. I thought I could just let it go, but apparently I can’t, as much as I try.

我最近真的很累。It has been too emotionally draining recently, way too draining.

The only thing I look forward to, are my Sec three kids. The school will probably take them away from me after the exams, in name of rebanding and reshuffling of classes. When they were whining at me today, asking if I will teach them next year, I couldn’t promise them anything at all.

My only only hope would be that I can assume FT-ship of them next year, as I’ve requested to take these kids for form class next year. That hope is faint, and I wouldn’t know until the end of the year, when the new school year starts again.

I can’t wait for this dark period to be over.

Parting.

Leaving. Farewell. Passing.

from  draftpodium.deviantart.com

from draftpodium.deviantart.com

There are so many ways to describe one’s leaving. Leaving can be defined in many different ways.

This week, we lost someone dear to our hearts.

This week, the family has been in a crisis.

This week, I took to cooking like a comfort blanket.

We became emotional support for one another.

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Wedding Prep #3

Androidsinboots

Androidsinboots

It feels absolutely amazing and exciting when you realise that you’re one of the two named couples, and that one half of the second couple who met with the photographers after us, is a good friend. I am excited that the photographers were happy that we wanted to sign with them, because it shows that they are as excited about our wedding, as much as we are excited about working with them.  According to G, the photographers were very happy after we left and when they went for their appointment at 830pm. I guess G and her fiance made them even more happy.

We knew what we wanted when we met with the photographers, and we really liked chatting with them. I adored the music they used in their videos and I’m really glad we chose to go with them!

One more down, I can’t remember how many more to go. I am really really happy and over the moon with our pick of photographers.

I really cannot wait for next year to come. Hurry, 2014!

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It’s been a while.

We learn to pick our battles everyday. Even with kids, we learn to pick our battles everyday.

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Wedding Prep #2

I can’t remember if there was ever a Wedding Prep #1. I’ll probably have to search around the entries done up earlier this year, which is not too difficult, considering the number of entries I’ve written since the start of this year.

We just bought the next big wedding item – the bridal package.

As most of you (of what’s left, reading) would/should know by now – we’ve booked our wedding venue right at the beginning of this year with Grand Park City Hall. We took it because we really liked the ballroom and the fact that there is only one ballroom. All the parking space will be ours, and nobody can get lost. We also really liked our wedding coordinator, Christina. Sadly, we received news recently that she was leaving Grand Park, so I hope the new coordinator would be good, and nice. We really hit it off well with Christina when we first met her at BOWS last year.

So after booking the wedding venue, we actually stopped wedding prep for a very long time. I never quite looked at bridal packages, except for a period of time last year when I was researching on hotels as well. Subsequently, we thought about going in an alternative direction with bridal gowns and photography, so the boy and I did our own separate research, his on photography and mine on gowns. I must admit, he did his part, while I languished behind in my small little world.

I’ve never been the little girl who wondered what her bridal gown would look like. The whole “wedding big day” idea has never really crossed my mind – I’ve never quite dreamt about it. I do know what I would like the bridal gown to be – timeless and classic. I’ve been rather enamoured by Ivanka Trump’s wedding gown in 2009, where she requested Vera Wang to design an updated version of Grace Kelly’s classic wedding dress.

I really really love the dresses. The minute I saw her dress, I knew that hopefully, eventually my wedding dress would bore some likeness to Ivanka’s modern version.

Another ideal example would be Kate Middleton’s dress – also inspired by Grace Kelly.

Credit: Time.com

None of those big ball gowns that can make me keel over please. Soft, simple and classic.

After all this rambling, the point of this entry is – we bought the bridal package.

We truly didn’t mean to buy it this weekend. The boy heard (he knew and I didn’t. gasp!) that there was a bridal showcase at Vivocity this weekend and we thought we could check it out while watching Fast and Furious at the same time. (4th summer movie for the 4th consecutive weekend – let’s go summer movies!) The plan was to watch our movie, get dinner, get the boy’s mum’s birthday present, and then finally check out the bridal showcase.

Before we stepped into the area (we were consciously avoiding the centre area for fear of dragged into situations we couldn’t get out of), we reminded ourselves that we weren’t gonna sign any packages tonight. So one guy moved towards us and we listened to him politely. On hindsight, the boy said I was rather blunt – I told the sales guy I hate it when people hard sell their products and I would resist even more. I thought I was just being truthful.

Anyway, the minute we sat down at the table, two familiar brands popped out at me – Z Weddings and Chris Ling photography. If I had all the money in the world, I’ll take a made-to-measure bridal package from Amanda Lee/Ted Wu and  pre-wedding photography from Chris Ling. So when I saw those names, I actually thought we could listen to them. We had a very polite Taiwanese lady, Maggie, who explained everything in detail. I was still very blunt – I told her I don’t like act-cute Taiwanese photography so please don’t sell me on those. If she was taken aback by my bluntness, she definitely didn’t show it.

Truth be told, after we looked at the package prices and the items included, we thought it was pretty value for money. I’m pretty sure there were cheaper ones out there, but if I was going to get Chris Ling photography for such prices, I think it would be worth the money. My only concern (still a concern) is the bridal studio. They’ve had a bad rep in the last couple of years but I read that management has changed and things have been improving. In fact, the package we got was a lot more than what some of the other girls got (I checked the forums). Apparently Z Weddings usually doesn’t entertain bargaining, but Maggie actually gave us quite a fair bit of stuff without us bargaining for it. We also had the luxury of chatting with Chris Ling the photographer himself, and he threw in a few more photos of us for free (partly because I professed a love for his works in an earlier conversation). We’ve got Grace as our coordinator and she seemed really pleasant and nice, plus good rep in the bridal forums.

The final concern – the wedding gown. I know I said I’ve never imagined how my gown would look like, but I think it’ll be absolutely gorgeous if it can look like Ivanka Trump or Kate Middleton’s gowns. Z Wedding doesn’t seem to have gowns like that in their past series. I really really hope that the ideal gown will pop up some time between this year and next year, right in time for the wedding next year end.

Crossing my fingers and hoping for the best!

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It’s May.

Yeaps 4 full months have passed by and one more month left before the June holidays come and go in a flash, yet again.

Think I might be working right up to my London trip. Before I leave on 7 June, I am already down for a conference from 3 – 5 June, very possibly a Netball camp on 6 – 7 June and  I’ve got a morning course at Malan Road on 7 June itself. I’m pretty sure I’ll fall right asleep when we board the plane at 9pm at night.

Of course when I come back from the trip, the last week of June is packed with remedials with my graduating classes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. School starts right after that, with my event opening Term 3. Having said all that, I shouldn’t worry too much since the school doesn’t worry that much. Should I?

On good days (when I tell myself to not give a shit about anything), I think to myself that I just might hang in here, because I have a lot of free time on my hands (because I don’t give a shit about anything). On bad days, I lament the lack of growth and structure, I lament the company and the fact that I feel terribly lonely there.

I think I really don’t know what I want.

Next year is going to be a crazy hectic year with the incoming new place and the wedding. Do I want to complicate matters more by starting afresh somewhere, provided I can find that new place? I haven’t quite made up my mind yet.

Heck, I haven’t even fully made up my mind about where I want to go in London (the specifics) and I am thinking about next year, which I know I should be doing.

It’s nice to be able to come home on a Friday afternoon, grab lunch along the way and go home to eat, while watching some quality Survivor episodes. The show has picked up its pace post-merge, with everybody coming out to play. Watching Andrea’s face go “whaa-tt??” in this week’s episode was epic. I rewatched it several times. Of course, the episode where Malcolm threw out not one, not two but three hidden immunity idols made that episode one of the best episodes ever in the history of Survivor – I rewatched that too.

Now I’m seated in bed with my very awesome laptop blogging my evening away, contemplating the future. I can’t see what the future holds.

I do know one thing – I really quite like teaching. I can’t say I love teaching right now because the situation has made me rethink and reflect and doubt myself one too many times. However, one recent post from an ex-student made me realise that I have been doing this for a damn long time. On one hand, I worry that it’s the only thing I know how to do (technically I think so) and if I were to consider switching industries, I worry that I’ll have a tough time adapting. On the other hand, there’s that inner craving on wanting to try something completely different, before the interest in teaching completely fades away because of the situation. The inner gut feel that keeps telling me – if I don’t switch now and try something new, will I ever move out of the comfort zone?

I moved out of my comfort zone and landed in a piping hot mess. I could try and get used to the piping hot mess and make it slightly comfortable, or move again to find that place I’ve been thinking of, or dreaming about.

I am not sure what I should do. I am not sure what I could do.

Continues to contemplate too much for the month of May where my marking will only come in 12 days later. In the meantime, I’ll attempt to find something to do.

When an ex-student makes your day.

When an ex-student makes your day.

This helps to pull me through trying times.
All I want to, is to teach – to be in the classroom with the students, imparting knowledge and life lessons. Telling them there’s more to life than just grades and Olevels.

Oh how I wish.

When Thurs feels like a Fri.

Feels damn shiok to be going on course tomorrow. Old friends, new content – don’t know if I’ll be using it next year, but it’ll feel damn good to be learning new things and using the brain for once.

There are so many things missing in my life right now, but I can’t put my fingers on exactly what it is. Am very glad to have the support of loved ones at this moment in time, with good friends sending me emails of possible alternatives. Glad to have a good friend to talk to at work, and wishes desperately she could be seated closer to her to make life at work less miserable.

Lugged home a pile of marking, only to be reading for the last two hours on the Kindle, and listening to Straight No Chaser. Am missing out on coffee sessions with friends, making new appointments for them. I really can’t wait to catch up with J – it’s been such a while and we’ve got so much to rant about!

I have no idea which direction or where I’m headed in – but I wish things could be so much more different. I’ve got to figure it out soon, and decide which direction I want to head in.

 

 

 

On a much much lighter note, the boy is finally an official Dr Tan – he has passed his oral defense! After all these hard work – finallyyy! Had a mini celebration yesterday at Star Vista and it was so much fun. :) Almost to Graduation! :)

I miss this, wayy too much.

I started tearing this evening, as I read this thread.

Geeks alert!

Geeks alert!

I truly miss this too much. How we can go off on a crazy tangent, be geekily crazy and have so much fun. I admit, I miss my colleagues so badly, it really hurts. FML.